Cutten’s Corner: Joe’s Tips to Negotiation
Happy Friday everyone! This is the second edition of “Cutten’s Corner,” written by guest blogger Joe Cutten and brought to you every Friday, exclusively on garretthinchey.com. Check out last week’s Cutten’s Corner here.
Guest blogger Joe Cutten is back for the weekly edition of "Cutten's Corner."
On this week’s “Cutten’s Corner,” I’ll provide you with some tips to make the most out of your money through negotiation. Whether you’re buying a car or a camera from Future Shop, your perspective on negotiations should be pretty similar. The ability to negotiate isn’t something that most people are good at, and the reason for this is simply that most people don’t do it on a regular basis. To be honest, I didn’t know how successful negotiating retail could be until I started trying about 6 months ago. So here are a few tips to try for the next time you are heading out to buy, well, anything really.
1. Research
This is one of the most important steps. You should always research what you want, where you are going to make your purchase, and your BATNA (your Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement). The amount of research you put in should be determined by how much you can realistically save. For example, it isn’t worth spending an hour determining where to get the cheapest coffee if you’re only going to save 25 cents, but if you look online for 15 minutes and find out that Best Buy’s cameras are usually $15 cheaper than Future Shop you just made the equivalent of $60 an hour.
It is also important to know what exactly it is you want. If you walk into a store wanting something to simply take pictures of your cat, you don’t want to be sold a video camera with HD video and night vision as you’ll probably spend a lot more than is required. Make a list of the features you need, and those you would like and don’t need.
Also, set the price you are willing to pay. This is very important because if you don’t have a set price, a good seller will usually be able to talk you into buying a more expensive model that probably has features you don’t need. Your BATNA is also very important as a guide. If you cannot negotiate a high-end product down to your set price, know what else you can get for the amount you want to spend. So step one to successful negotiation: research locations, research the product/features, research price, and research alternatives.
2. Finding the Right Person
This can make a big difference. Have you ever tried to end a cell phone contract? They will not let you off the phone until they find out why you are leaving and how they can make you stay. The initial customer service agent may be able to find you a deal, but what they don’t tell you is that they have a whole department for negotiating contracts: the retention division. It is cheaper for almost any company to keep their existing customer than to find new ones. The retention agents have more power to negotiate, and have more knowledge in what they can offer compared to a typical customer service agent.
The same principle applies to most stores. Usually a manager, or even better, an owner, will have the authority to lower the price or throw in some extras. If negotiations aren’t going your way, don’t be afraid to ask for the manager or supervisor, as this will allow for two outcomes:
- The employee may become nervous and more willing to give you a deal, or;
- You can deal with someone with more authority. So simply try to find the right person.
3. The Pre-Negotiations
When you first meet the person you are trying to negotiate with, try to build a relationship. Don’t tell them your life story, but don’t get straight down to business either. If you pay attention, you will often find that a good seller will start with a joke or tell a story to seem more relatable. Simply put, you are more likely to get someone to agree with your price if they like you, rather than if they don’t. The important point here is a simple one: don’t jump right into the conversation. Instead, start with some small talk.
4. The Negotiations
These negotiation tactics got Joe an impressive deal on this suit of armor.
After these three initial steps are taken, you are in a pretty good position to get a deal on your purchase. The first question that sellers usually ask when they find out what you are looking to buy is: “How much are you looking to spend?” Never tell them this. Once they know this you lose a big chunk of your negotiating power. Instead tell them what you are looking for in terms of product and features. If they insist on asking how much you are looking to spend, say $1. They can’t make you tell them. So make them make the first offer. Then once they do, immediately reject it. I usually use a surprised expression and instead of flat out rejecting the offer, simply say “huh?” which I follow with an awkward silence. This will sometimes make them immediately lead to another offer with a lower price.
Realistically, the biggest weapon you have on your side is time. The longer something takes, the more likely people are to give you a deal, as long as the relationship stays positive. Again, it is important to weigh the time-to-savings ratio as explained in the coffee example. The more time you spend negotiating, the more ways you are going to try and save money. After the initial offer is presented, if they haven’t already made another offer (you’d be surprised how often they do) ask how much they can come down on it. They will almost always lower the price.
Also, negotiating doesn’t always have to be about price. If you are having troubles talking down the price, try to keep it the same but have more features or accessories added on for free (or at a discount). After you have exhausted trying to get a lower price or free features, or the relationship is taking a turn for the worse, analyse the situation. If you have the product you want, it is within the price range you previously set out, and it’s better than your BATNA, take it. If not, walk away. This is the hardest thing to do after putting time and effort in, but that is why you make the initial guidelines.
This is just a simple guide, and it is far from perfect. I am still refining my techniques and learning how to incorporate other people to help me negotiate. It is surprising how much you can save when you really try, and that’s the best part: all it takes is time and effort. In the past six months I’ve saved hundreds of dollars on items I would have bought anyway.
Hope you picked up a few tips, and give it a try in the future!
Over and Out,
J.Cutten
The Rant: What Happened to You, TLC?
I won’t sugar coat this: I watch a lot of TV.
Moreover, I take my TV pretty seriously. Which is why I can say that I am literally in pain watching the travesty that’s unfolding on one of television’s most beloved networks: TLC.
What happened to you man? You used to be cool.
You know TLC. The Learning Channel! The lovable network that brought us fantastic documentaries, National Geographic specials, and great education-themed reality shows like Junkyard Wars. TLC used to be one of my “go-to” channels, meaning that I would often flip it on when I couldn’t find anything else worth watching on TV. It was always entertaining and interesting, and you really didn’t feel like you were ever wasting your time watching it, which is a tough thing to say about a television station (case in point: have you ever watched FOX and felt like you weren’t wasting your time?).
Then, something changed. I don’t know what exactly it was, but TLC programming started to shift in a different direction. I should have noticed it with shows like Trading Spaces and What Not To Wear; these weren’t the types of shows that I grew up watching on “The Learning Channel,” they were lame reality shows aimed at bringing in more casual viewers. I ignored it though. Maybe it was a case of selective viewing, I don’t know. Hell, I even watched Trading Spaces a few times.
Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to me, though, these shows were a harbinger of doom. Sometime in the mid 2000’s, somebody must have snuck into TLC’s office and replaced their programming schedule with a steaming pile of crap, because all of the gripping documentaries, educational content, and cool stuff like Robotica and Junkyard Wars was replaced with more and more lame reality series. They’ve even changed their network’s tagline, from “A Place For Learning Minds” to “Life Unscripted” to “Life Surprises.” To illustrate my point, let’s see what’s on this once proud network’s primetime schedule:
- Little People, Big World: One of two TLC programs about people with dwarfism (commonly referred to as “midgets,” though I won’t use that here). There is nothing else special about this family other than the fact that they are “little people.”
- The Little Family (formerly The Little Couple): Because one show about dwarfs isn’t enough.
Coming this fall on TLC: "Little People with 22 Kids! Whoa!"
- Kate Plus Eight (formerly Jon and Kate Plus Eight): A show about a woman with eight kids. More to the point, it’s about a woman with eight kids who is recently divorced from her husband due to (in my opinion) pressure from being on a TV series. Before the show, there was nothing special about them other than the fact that they had eight kids. Now, Jon is a national scumbag and Kate has turned her fame into a spot on Dancing With The Stars and an autobiography. Can you imagine when these kids grow up? They’ll be able to watch their parents’ marriage fall apart on a DVD boxset! You don’t think these kids are going to be screwed up because of this? A more apt title: “A woman who will sacrifice her kids’ well-being for fame and fortune Plus Eight.”
- Nineteen Kids and Counting: Because one show about a family with a bunch of kids isn’t enough. Seriously, we get it. It’s hard living with a ton of kids. Do we really need to destroy another family to prove this point? Didn’t we learn our lesson with Jon and Kate?
- Table for 12: Hell, let’s ruin a third family. Just for fun.
- Toddlers and Tiaras:
- TLC Executive: “Hey, I have an idea! Let’s make a show where we publicly humiliate unsuspecting mothers and embarrass their children for the rest of their lives!”
- TLC Executive 2: “Wait, don’t we already have Jon and Kate Plus Eight?”
- TLC Executive: “No, this one’s different! It’s about beauty pageants, it’s perfect! We’ll just pay the moms and let their kids be on TV. We’ll tell them that the whole world can see how beautiful their children are, when really we’re just showing everyone how nuts the moms are!”
(High fives all around, the TLC executives dive into their pool of money like Scrooge McDuck.)
- Cake Boss: A show about a guy who makes cakes! But wait for the kicker… He’s a hothead from Jersey! Laughs all around! Sadly, this is probably the most legitimate show on the network right now. At least they’re not exploiting people with real problems.
Seriously, THIS is the best show on TLC?
- World’s Tallest Children, Half Ton Mom, The World’s Fattest Man, Half Ton Dad, The Man With Half a Body: Here, they’re exploiting people with real problems. In there I count 3 specials about people who are morbidly obese. Listen, TLC, we get it. Fat people have problems. Serious ones. But do you need to prove this to us so much that you need three separate people to do it? You understand that tons of people just tune into these shows to make fun of the people on them, right?
The fact that shows like this exist makes me sick to my stomach. Hell, even shows like Entertainment Tonight kind of upset me; the fact that society is so interested in other people’s problems seems quite strange, sad and voyeuristic. Even so, I’ve certainly accepted that this has a place in today’s world, and simply choose to ignore it.
I never in my wildest dreams thought it would happen to TLC, though. As much as they try to stand behind the quality of their programming (“The people are just on our show to get help! Look, the fat guy is getting liposuction! It’s educational!”), it’s obvious that they’re trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator, which is sad when you realize that they used to be one of the few sanctuaries on television; a channel one could watch and not feel like they’re losing too many brain cells.
It’s disgusting. And the sad thing is, it’s working; TLC’s ratings are higher than ever, which means they’ll just keep churning out mounds of garbage season after season. At least change the name, TLC. The Learning Channel you are not.
I guess I’ll just shut my mouth.
An Open Letter to the Vancouver Canucks
(Note: This is my second new post of the day. For the first, click here)
Hello, Canucks. How are you? I’m glad we gave things a good week or so to settle down; otherwise I probably would have said some things I didn’t mean. But now that we’ve let each other cool off, there are some things I need to get off my chest.
Right though, I’m getting ahead of myself. Small talk first. How’s your golf game coming?
Alright, that was a cheap shot, I’m sorry. But you have to understand what this was like for me. You see, I’ve gone my entire life without ever picking a hockey team. I was proud of it, too, you know; it’s not a very easy thing to do in Canada. But when I moved down south, you were everywhere. I tried to resist at first, tried to act nonchalant, like it didn’t matter to me how you were doing. But it did, and once I got past the initial courting phase (a preseason game here, a game on TV there), it was impossible to stop myself from diving straight in.
You see, you took my hockey fan virginity, Canucks. That’s something I’ll never get back. I rooted for you all year, immersed myself in statistics, went to no fewer than five (five!) games, even a playoff one. I bought the shirts, the sweaters, and rooted for all the players at the Olympics while I waited for you to come back to Vancouver.
Then came the playoffs. Everyone was saying you had a real chance this year, hell, hockey experts were picking you as Cup favourites left and right. Granted, we had some problems in the first round, but we got out of it alright.
Then came the Blackhawks. Deja vu, as I understand it. Everyone said it was going to be different this year though. When Lou told everyone that the team felt like this was their year, I believed him. I really did.
But, alas.
Going out the way we did made me proud, I must say. Fighting to the bitter end, picking up injuries by the boatload, but still going back at them tooth and nail. We just didn’t have it this year, and that was pretty obvious by the end of the series. But after those first two games, I sure thought we did. Then, something changed. I could feel my heart sink as the seconds ticked away on another season:
Is this what I have to look forward to every year? Why am I choosing to do this to myself?
I asked my friend Allan, a die-hard Canucks fan for years, if this is really it: talking yourself into a contender all year, and then being disappointed in the playoffs. His reply was both short and all-encompassing.
Rooting for the Canucks is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
It made me think about this whole hockey thing a lot, how different it is from any other sport in Canada. I have other teams I root for, in other sports (Jays, Raptors, Eagles) but everyone has an opinion in hockey; everyone has a favourite team. To an extent, I guess you’re defined by the team you pick, and, for me, Canucks, that’s you. A bunch of sad-sacks who can never get over the hump. You ripped out my heart this year, guys. And from the sounds of it, its happened before. A lot.
I thought about maybe going back to the way I was before; just letting the NHL pass me by. I mean, I don’t need a team in every major sports league, hell, I haven’t even liked hockey since I was 13 years old. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t an option, though. You see, I didn’t pick you guys. You guys picked me. It was like the sorting hat in Harry Potter telling me where to go. I don’t have any choice in it, and I can’t fight it. I’m a Canucks fan for life.
And, you know what? I’m ok with that. You see, we might not have won one yet, but being able to say we have a chance every year is not something most teams can. Plus, when we finally get over the hump, it’ll just be that much sweeter. We’ve waited 40 years. We can wait a little longer. Hell, I’ve only waited one.
The other day, I flipped on the start of the Montreal/Philadelphia series. The lead in to the game featured a rapper from Montreal pleading the Canadiens for a 25th Cup, because it had been far too long since their last (15 years). This guy doesn’t get it. Hell, I don’t get it. Maybe if I do this for 30 years and you guys don’t win one I will, but not now. I’m just bitter I guess.
It’s not like we’re in bad shape, though. We’ve got a solid core, a couple talented youngsters, and an Olympic Gold medal-winning goalie. We have a scoring champion and MVP nominee, a Selke nominee, and our best defenseman should be back in time for next year.
Listen, Canucks, you guys are in better shape to win, and win soon, then you’ve ever been. You’ve been on the doorstep for years. It’s time to walk in. Don’t do it for me. Do it for all the Canucks fans who’ve been waiting their whole lives for you to win a Cup. Do it for Al. Hell, do it for Michael Buble.
Just do it. And even if you don’t, or can’t, we’ll still be there right behind you. Rip our hearts out again if you have to. We’re used to it. I know I’ll be better prepared next year. Because as much as it seems like there’ll never be a chance, it doesn’t take much to go from despondent to optimistic.
The day after the game, Al emailed me. We talked for a bit about you guys, and how this seemed to happen every year. He filled me in on some of the trash talking and disappointment I can expect to be subjected to summer after summer after summer. Then, though, something happened. We brought up potential trades, offseason moves, young guys like Hodgson and Schroeder. We talked about getting our key defensemen back and healthy, and taking the pressure off of Lou by removing the C. And quickly, we went from devastated to excited. Things started to look up again.
I guess there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for the great season, guys. Until next year.
Go Canucks.
Beer Pong, Hot Tubs, and the Tribbiani Effect
Call it the Joey Tribbiani effect: one good thing mixed with another good thing must equal a good thing.
Joey made us suffer through that terrible spin-off, but at least he gave us the Tribbiani Effect.
Named of course for the Friends character who loved his trifle with ground beef (“What’s not to like? Jam, good… Meat, good…”), examples of the Tribbiani Effect abound in history: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (peanut butter and chocolate), a Snow Jo (slushie and ice cream), Slamball (basketball and trampolines), Over the Top (Sylvester Stallone and arm wrestling) hell, even Goober (peanut butter mixed with jelly. Let me say while I’m on the topic of Goober that I think it’s an absolute tragedy this is not sold in Canada).
Following in the footsteps of these visionary ideas, my friends Tyler and Joe and I attempted to combine two of our favourite things: beer pong and hot tubs. After an afternoon of construction (involving some failed prototypes using Velcro), we managed this:
From left to right: with cups, top view without cups, side view w/o, bottom view, top view w/cups (and other one on side). Click to enlarge photos
Yeah, we know it’s awesome. We secured cut-in-half keg cups to a McDonald’s tray with wood screws, and then covered the bottom with plastic bottles. The actual pong cups sit inside their cut-in-half counterparts during play and slide out easily for drinking. Needless to say, this was one of our proudest moments. We haven’t tested them out yet but are hoping to soon, and will certainly provide some footage when we do.
What about you? Is there anything you’d like to see combined to make it better? Let me know your experiences with the Tribbiani Effect in the comments section or by email at garretthinchey100@hotmail.com.
Till next time! (Likely in a couple hours, today feels like a “two blog posts” kind of day)
Garrett
Cutten’s Corner: Who Would Win?
Hey everyone,
So today, we’re introducing a new segment: Cutten’s Corner, in which guest blogger Joe Cutten will talk about.. well, whatever he wants. Cutten’s Corner: every Friday, exclusively on Garretthinchey.com. Take it away, Joe:
Guest blogger Joe Cutten is in the house for "Cutten's Corner."
On this debut edition of “Cutten’s Corner”, I’ll tackle the classic debate who would win a fight between the average athletes of different sports. To eliminate the obvious answers combat and grappling sports won’t be analysed. The sports I will cover will be basketball, hockey, football and baseball. My analysis will look at the advantages of the average player in each sport and their possible disadvantages with regards to size (reach), speed, strength, stamina and as some sports allow fighting and full contact (at least more than others) so we’ll say fighting experience. The scenario to evaluation will be the typical MMA fight: 3 five minute rounds, UFC rules.
Basketball
Real Life MMA transition: Shaquille O’Neal
First up, basketball players. We’ll start with their obvious advantage: height. NBA.com states that in 2007 the average height for the NBA was just shy of 6’7”. No doubt about it, they are monsters. Freakishly tall stature would definitely give an advantage in reach when considering the striking department. No matter who they battle you would have to give the size advantage to the basketball player. The NBA player would however be lacking in strength. Although their average height can be classified as gigantic, their average weight is a slender 220 pounds. If any other athlete is able to get within clinch range or take the fight to the ground the NBA player would more than likely have a hard time dealing with a smaller, stronger opponent.
Ron-Ron would likely have a size but not strength advantage in the cage.
Without K/O power the basketball players would have to brawl winning with ring control and strikes. For speed I would consider basketball players slightly less speedy than the other sports; however, many basketball starters log many minutes without many substitutions so their stamina will not be an issue. As for fighting experience basketball definitely lags behind. As a non-contact sport that rarely sees a tussle on the court, they would definitely not have the technique or fighting skills that some of the other athletes do.
Overall Grades:
- Size: A+
- Speed: B-
- Strength: D
- Stamina: B
- Fighting Experience: D
- Final Grade: C+
Look for the basketball players to utilize the reach keeping the opponent on the outside and using that long jab.
Hockey
Real Life MMA Transition: Steve Bosse, Curtis Suter
Hockey players have become bigger as the sport has evolved. A big guy in the 70s would be average at best in today’s NHL. The average NHL player is about 6’1”, 205 pounds (USA Today, 2003). Not monsters but definitely not someone you would want to be meeting in a dark alley. The change is due to the way NHL players train. It used to be considered that cardio was most important and long cardio exercises would do the trick. Today, however, players focus on explosiveness and speed. NHL players would definitely have a speed advantage; however, shifts in the NHL are usually only about 45 seconds (give or take ten).
Hockey players would certainly have an experience advantage when it comes to fighting.
They would be deadly at the start of the fight, however look for them to possibility punch themselves out and not have much in the tank late in the fight. Hockey players would however have fighting experience on their side. As a contact sport they regularly take hits and fighting is legit. Although a hockey fight would be completely different than stepping in the ring, they’ll be less green than some of the other sports.
Overall Grades:
- Size: C
- Speed: B+
- Strength: B
- Stamina: C-
- Fighting Experience: B+
- Final Grade: B-
Look for the hockey player to utilize the clinch and go for the K/O or grind it out holding their opponent against the cage looking to dirty box.
Football
Real Life MMA transition: Matt Mitrione, Brendan Schaub, Herschel Walker
In a full contact sport, any athlete would have trouble stepping in the ring with a football player. We’ll start out with size: average height 6’2” and weighing in at a stocky 227 pounds (Chicago Sports, 2009). The football players definitely establish themselves as the power house when compared to other sports. Strength is the key to the football player’s arsenal and the ability to tackle would be a huge advantage in the fighting experience category. They should be able to get the takedown and use their strength to hold other athletes down while they land short punches, elbows and knees. It wouldn’t be surprising to see the football player go for the take down and ground and pound his opponent. Stamina may however be a weakness for the football player. With stoppage between every play during a game the football player may have troubles lasting the five minute rounds.
Overall Grades:
- Size: C
- Speed: C+
- Strength: A
- Stamina: D
- Fighting Experience: B+
- Final Grade: B-
Look for the football player to explode out of the gate and go for the double leg take down then use their size to win rounds by controlling the fight.
Baseball
Real Life MMA Transition: Jose Canseco
Baseball is the last sport I decided to include in the analysis. Mostly because baseball brawls are badass and the temper of baseball players is pretty extreme. When looking at the size of baseball players they are slightly shorter than their opponents coming in at an average of 6’0”, but they definitely aren’t small tipping the scales at 209 pounds (ESPN.com, 2009). The skills that baseball players have would definitely be to their advantage in the striking department.
Nolan Ryan is one bad mutha.
With the ability to throw in balls from the outfield and swing the bat with extreme force, the baseball player would definitely have knock out power. As for overall speed and stamina I couldn’t see any tremendous advantages. There are occasionally fights and brawls in the MLB so they will have a slight advantage over basketball in fighting experience however definitely not on the same level as hockey or football.
Overall Grade:
- Size: C-
- Speed: C
- Strength: B+
- Stamina: B-
- Fighting Experience: C+
- Final Grade: C
Look for the baseball player to plant his back foot and go for the haymaker. Don’t count out the baseball player, if he connects it could be a home run.
That was my breakdown of the classic question: which athlete would be the better fighter? As in a real fight there is never a definitive answer of who would win, that’s what makes it a great debate. This is simply a fun analysis of what I believe would be strengths and weakness of an average athlete from different sports. Feel free to let me know your thoughts.
Onward and Upward,
J. Cutten
Come back every Friday for the newest "Cutten's Corner."
Flashback: Hawaii, 2007
A lot of funny crap has happened in my life, but the absolute gold mine occurred during the winter of 2007, in which our basketball team travelled to Hawaii to participate in the World Youth Basketball Tournament in Kona. The intentional and unintentional hilarity of the trip, combined with the exotic location and the fact that it was most certainly the best sports trip of my lifetime make this a perfect candidate for the first edition of “Flashback,” where I’ll talk about some memorable moments in my lifetime.
Without further adieu, then, here are some recollections of Team NWT Basketball’s trip to Kona (note: names with an asterisk have been changed. If some of this stuff happened to you, you wouldn’t want it floating around online either.):
First, a bit of background. I graduated from high school in the summer of 2007, a year early, leaving me unable to play with the basketball team for all of their high school competitions, and this was the first tournament I was able to attend during the year. The team had been planning the trip to Hawaii for over a year, and the NWT sent both a guys and girls team. I also believe the age division was 18 and under, just to give you some idea on the age of the characters.
Team NWT: Tyler, Joe, Emmanuel, Aaron, Quincy, Kiefer, Matt, Chad, Jacob, Alinar, myself.
Team NWT in Hawaii.
My family traveled to Hawaii a week before the tournament to enjoy the sun (and get out of frigid Yellowknife during the winter). We also brought along my friend Tyler, one of the members of the team, and the rest of the guys flew down on Christmas Day. We remained in Kona over New Years and flew back a couple days later. Highlights of the trip are going to come in bullet form (because there’s a lot of them).
- I could tell the trip was off to an ominous start our first day on the beach. Tyler, seeing the coast was clear on the ocean, picked up a rock and decided to “skip” it over the water. However, right after his toss, my brother Devin poked his head out from under water, where he was previously hidden, and attempted to yell something back to us on the beach. The rock hit the water about 15 feet from Devin, directly parallel to him, took a 90 degree sideways bounce, and hit him square in the mouth, chipping his tooth. The chance of replicating this is seriously like .00004 percent, and I remember thinking that “this is either a great sign for the week, or a terrible one.” Luckily, it turned out to be the former.
- Things were pretty tame after that until the team got into town. We met up with everyone at the airport, checked into our hotel, and went out to a nearby strip mall to pick up groceries and other supplies. Damien, our coach, gave us 20 minutes to get what we needed (mostly breakfast food for the room) and everyone headed for the grocery store. Upon leaving, though, we noticed that we were missing a member of our team, Rufus*. We wandered the strip mall for 20 minutes looking for Rufus, and then, already late for a planned dinner, we decided to head back. As we walked out of the strip mall, though, Rufus comes running out of nowhere to join the group. Turns out he got a haircut (and a barely noticeable one at that). He didn’t get his groceries and the rest of us were late for supper. Brilliant.
- Speaking of Rufus, his shining moment in the trip came during a brief 3-hour window of free time. Free to wander about the town, we congregated back at the hotel around 9:30, where, standing in the lobby, our coach asked Rufus to show us what he “picked up” while he was out shopping, after which he opened his mouth to reveal a possibly-infected tongue piercing. Fabulous. Apparently his first choice was to get his nipples pierced, but they were too small (!) and so he went for the tongue on a whim, a decision I’m sure most of us would have made given his situation. Of course, my free time led to the infamous “Wal-Mart Adventure,” but that deserves a post in itself. I’ll come back to it someday.
- We did play some basketball there, too. Our first game was against a team from Central Florida, featuring a ton of super-athletic, really tall American guys who certainly knew what they were doing (read: we had no chance, and we knew it). We still felt like we performed admirably though, as we managed to keep it within 25 in the ridiculous Hawaii heat. After the game, drained and drenched, and feeling pretty good about ourselves, we headed out on the grass to recap the game. Our coach proceeded to give us a light-hearted pep talk, reminding us why we were there and what our goals were for the weekend (certainly not beating Central Florida), when a parent from the girls team interrupted and interjected thusly:
“Hey guys. Just wanted to relay some information from in there, I sat by the parents from the other team and heard them talking about the game. They said that they though they (the parents) were better players than you guys. They also said that one of you was especially slow. Who was it again? Aw, I can’t remember. Oh wait, that’s right. It was Joe.”
Oh. Well then.
- Our lone win on the court came against a team from somewhere in Ohio named “Put-In-Bay,” whom we beat by about 45 points. Simply put, we were on another level than them, and it was easy to see that from the warm-ups (they all looked about 15, had one guy over 6 feet, and two kids who were certainly rockin’ the XXL size jersey). As the starters walked onto the court to begin the game, the size difference was evident, and you could quite audibly hear from one of our players as we picked defensive matchups “shotty 45!” (one of the short fat kids). By the end of the game we were dismantling Put-In-Bay, and so our coach started replacing our guards with centres and getting our shortest players to play post. A really fun way to get our confidence back. Can you say you beat a US high school team in basketball? I didn’t think so!
Put-In Bay, in all their glory.
- The final highlight on the court for me was the dunk contest. After one of our players (Quincy) agonizing about whether or not to enter, and ultimately deciding against it (his repertoire consisted of a “one hand dunk” and “two hand dunk” so we figured he may be in over his head), we went to the gym to watch what was sure to be a mind-blowing spectacle.
Nope. Massive disappointment. There were really only two competitors who had anything more than “one hand dunk” in the bag of tricks, and there was one kid in it with bleached blonde hair, a babyface, and a name like “Chance” or something who seriously looked like he walked straight of the set of One Tree Hill. Needless to say, he couldn’t dunk. High comedy, as well as some personal satisfaction. If “Chance” can dunk, and I can’t, I need to re-evaluate my athletic career.
- The pool at the hotel also offered its own fair share of ridiculousness. Chief among these was “The Gauntlet,” used by our coach as a punishment for when one of our players failed to live up to expectations (for example, if someone was told to do a backflip and wimped out). Basically, all the members of the team would form two lines in the water, and the offending party would be forced to run in between them while we hit them however we saw fit (my personal favourite was windmilling slaps). The gauntlet took an interesting turn one day after we had gotten one of our younger players (I actually think it was for wimping out on a backflip), and two other poolgoers decided that it looked fun and wanted to give it a try. As soon as they jumped up, coach Damien’s eyes lit up as he thought out loud “ohhh. Big mistake.” These guys got it BAD. Like really really bad. Everyone was punching and flailing and doing whatever they could to take these guys out. At one point Damien pulled back so fast he elbowed Emmanuel in the eye and cut him open. Needless to say, the guys weren’t as excited about The Gauntlet after going through it. I think one of their backs was bleeding.
- Another great pool moment occurred at the hot tub. A bunch of us were relaxing when a few members of a girl’s team from Manitoba (I think there were four of them) joined us. After sitting and talking with them for a few minutes, and noting their obvious “interest” in some of our younger players, someone blurted out: “how old are you girls, by the way?” To which we received a chorus of “14” and “15.” Needless to say, we couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Bad news.
- A team planned snorkelling trip was one of the most fun parts of the trip, namely because the entire guys team bought matching girl’s booty shorts (all different colours as well). The gift shop ran out of larger sizes so some people got stuck with some really tiny ones. What made this so spectacular was the fact that we were by no means the only people on the boat; in addition to the guys and girls teams, there were probably another 30 people with us. There were definitely some looks as we all went to the ship’s buffet line in our matching girl’s hot pants.
- The boat trip also led to a variation of “The Gauntlet” where members of the team would stand at the bottom of the slide off the side of the ship and slap people who went down it. This quickly went ary when a 12 year old girl came down when we expected one of our team members. She may still have a handprint on her back to this day…
- New years in Hawaii was also an event in itself. The tournament held a dinner and dance for all of the teams, with a “surprise entertainer” planned. There was some serious buzz around the hotel that the “entertainment” was going to be Hawaiian superstar Jack Johnson, so you can imagine our disappointment when it turned out to be a strange Filipino hypnotist. Needless to say, the guy managed to get Quincy to weep uncontrollably on stage, which was pretty hilarious.
After the hypnotist ended, most of us left the dance in search of something more fun to do, finally happening upon a beach party in the middle of town (gotta love Hawaii). A local band named “Goodbye Elliot” was playing, and decided to do a shirt toss. A pink women’s size shirt was caught by Joe, and he proceeded to throw his own shirt back at the bass player, whapping him in the face with a sweaty X-L T-shirt while in the middle of a song. At a break in the action, the band said they had more stuff to give away, and asked “who wants it?” Before they had even finished the question, Joe was walking up the stairs on the side of the stage pointing at himself. Needless to say, he got whatever it was they were giving away (a coupon or something).
- Shaved ice also deserves a quick mention. I don’t know if you’re familiar with shaved ice, but it’s basically a massive sno cone covered in flavoured syrup, and it’s quite popular in Hawaii (as far as I can tell). And by massive, I mean MASSIVE. It’s no exaggeration to say that a “large” sized shaved ice is about as big as a basketball. Needless to say, our team went out for them one afternoon, which led to an interesting discussion over breakfast the next day:
- Player 1: “So, guys, I really don’t know how to say this, but my crap was green last night.”
- Player 2: “What? Me too?”
- Player 3: “Me too!”
- Player 4: “(defeated) Me too…”
- Player 2: “I wanted to talk about it, I just didn’t know how to bring it up in conversation!”
Shaved Ice. Tastes great, makes your crap green.
So, there you have it. Shaved ice makes you poop green. Just a heads up.
- Finally, no recap of Hawaii would be complete without a retelling of the flight home, more importantly, Quincy’s flight home. Our flight left Kona quite late (like 10:30 PM or something) and the plan was to go through the night, spend the afternoon in the Edmonton Airport, and then catch a late flight the next day back to Yellowknife. Now, upon getting to the airport, most of our team hadn’t eaten dinner, and so were quite excited to rush through security and get some food at the airport. Everyone made it through one by one without incident, until Quincy (the last player in the line) was randomly searched (and I mean SEARCHED). The break in the action meant that Quincy got through security about 2 minutes after 10PM, which was, coincidentally, the same time all the restaurants in the airport closed. Pissed off from being searched (and still hungry), Quincy (and the rest of the team) headed back to Edmonton. Its also important to state that Quincy had some pretty serious rugburn-type stuff going on all around his midsection following a skateboard crash during the week, so sitting for 6 hours in a plane probably wasn’t that comfortable at all.
Upon our arrival in Edmonton, everyone went their separate ways, congregating again at the airport late at night for our flight home. We all boarded the plane, and an exhausted Quincy fell straight to sleep. It was smooth flying all the way to Yellowknife, at which time we were informed by the pilot that the runway was too icy to land. Not only that, we would have to fly all the way back to Edmonton and try again in the morning, which was absolutely awful to hear after a full day of traveling. The only saving grace for most of us was Quincy, who woke up as we touched down in Edmonton, thinking we were landing in Yellowknife, and didn’t realize what happened until after we stepped off the plane, causing a freakout of epic proportions. Later, at baggage claim, he realized that he had left his skateboard deck on the plane, causing another curse-filled tirade (he later got it back). We got back to Yellowknife fine the next morning.
Anyway, there you have it. A brief recap of some highlights of our Hawaii trip, which was fondly remembered by all involved (and rehashed so many times its ridiculous). There are a lot more bullets to be had here, but I’ve certainly rambled on enough. Until next time!
Yesterday, I posted the shakedown of a hypothetical new NHL posed by ESPN’s “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons, in which 8 teams would be folded and the league would reduce to 11-team Canadian and American Conferences. I posted which teams, in my opinion, would relocate, and which would fold, and where the new Canadian locations would be. You can read my breakdown here, but, just to recap, here is where we stood after yesterday:
Canadian Conference
Toronto Maple Leafs
Vancouver Canucks
Montreal Canadiens
Edmonton Oilers
Ottawa Senators
Calgary Flames
Winnipeg Jets (From Phoenix)
Hamilton Sabres (From Buffalo)
Quebec City Sharks (From San Jose)
London Predators (From Nashville)
Halifax Lightning (From Tampa Bay)
American Conference
Washington Capitals
Chicago Blackhawks
New Jersey Devils
Detroit Red Wings
Pittsburgh Penguins
Los Angeles Kings
Colorado Avalanche
Boston Bruins
Philadelphia Flyers
Dallas Stars
New York Rangers
Teams to Disband
Minnesota Wild
Anaheim Ducks
Carolina Hurricanes
Florida Panthers
New York Islanders
St. Louis Blues
Atlanta Thrashers
Columbus Blue Jackets
Today, then, I will do a mock first round of a hypothetical “reduction” draft, in which all the players who were on disbanded teams will have the potential to be picked up by those still in the league. The list of disbanded teams isn’t heavy on star power, but some strong players are (would) still be available, as well as some top prospects. First, some guidelines:
- Teams will draft in reverse order of regular season finish (so yes, Leaf fans, you do get a top pick in this one)
- Teams will draft based on need, as well as the best player available
- Off-season losses, trades, and potential picks in the entry draft are not taken into consideration. Imagine if this draft happened at the end of this regular season
- The draft will be conducted based on the assumption that a player will come back and play at least one more season (ie Scott Niedermayer) and is not injured.
- Salary cap ramifications will not be taken into question.
So, without further adieu, let the controversy begin. I apologize in advance for getting my analysis of your favourite team all wrong.
1. Edmonton Oilers: Rick Nash, LW, Columbus
A promising young Oilers lineup needs help everywhere, and therefore should try and grab the best young player available. Although there is sure to be some debate here, in my opinion, that’s Nash. Coming off a bit of an off-season, Nash showed he can still play with the best with a phenomenal performance at the 2010 Olympics, and, at 26, he can be the cornerstone of a green Oilers team for years to come.
2. Toronto Maple Leafs: Ryan Getzlaf, C, Anaheim
Get that bag off your head, Leaf fans. You get to keep the number 2 pick this time around.
Hooray, Leafs fans! In this draft, you get to keep your #2 pick! The Leafs have a few holes in their lineup, including needing a bit of help in net if you don’t think Jonas Gustavsson is the long-term answer. Another big hole for the team is at centre, though, and Getzlaf is a superstar-calibre player, as well as the gritty power forward that Bryan Burke loves. The two will be reunited in Toronto, as Getzlaf becomes the Leafs star attraction at #2.
3. Halifax Lightning (from Tampa Bay): Corey Perry, RW, Anaheim
Former Ducks go 2-3, as Getzlaf’s linemate Corey Perry joins the offensive firepower in Halifax. Even though the Lightning need help on defence much more than offense, the defensive corps in the 8 disbanded teams is relatively thin, and this early in the draft, you have to grab a superstar if he’s available. Imagine Perry playing with Stamkos, Lecavalier, and St. Louis. Wow.
4. New York Rangers: Eric Staal, C, Carolina
The last true star left in the draft is reunited with his brother Marc in New York. Although, like the Lightning, the Rangers have the most holes on D, there are no defensemen worth grabbing over Staal at this point. Staal could centre a line with Marian Gaborik and become a mega-star playing under the bright lights at MSG.
5. Dallas Stars: Erik Johnson, D, St. Louis
The first defenseman of the draft goes to the Stars at number five. Needing help on the back end, and without any current franchise guys left to pick up, the Stars will settle for uber-prospect Johnson as their anchor of the future.
6. Montreal Canadiens: John Tavares, C, New York Islanders
A potential superstar is snapped up by the Canadiens at pick number 6. Tavares is still young, but had a promising rookie campaign and has unlimited upside, a great choice for an already powerful Canadiens lineup that can afford to wait a couple years for help.
7. Philadelphia Flyers: Steve Mason, G, Columbus Blue Jackets
The Flyers pick up the first goalie of the draft, taking Steve Mason of Columbus as their stopper of the future. As good as Brian Boucher and Michael Leighton have been for Philly this year, neither of them is a long-term solution in net and the Vezina-nominated Mason is the best stopper available. At only 22, he also has the potential to backstop the Flyers for years to come.
8. Calgary Flames: Mikko Koivu, C, Minnesota Wild
When looking at the Flames, one thing comes to mind: these guys need to put the puck in the net. Lucky for them, Mikko Koivu does just that, providing Jerome Iginla with a quality set-up man at centre, as well as some secondary scoring that was sorely lacking this year.
9. Boston Bruins: Martin Havlat, RW, Minnesota Wild
The Bruins desperately need some scoring punch on the wings (they ranked dead last in goals per game this year). Bearing this in mind, they would likely choose between Havlat and the Thrashers’ Maxim Afinogenov at this point. I asked my friend Ryan, a die-hard Bruins fan, who he would take given the choice. Here’s his commentary:
Bruins Uber-Fan Ryan Sheppard, who made the number 9 pick.
“Havlat, I think he would excel on a team where he is not completely relied on like he is in Minnesota. They brought him in to replace Gaborik. He is not a one-shot sniper like Gaborik, he does however have better play making skills and can pop in 20-25 goals. Good?”
Good enough for me, anyway! Havlat goes to Boston.
10. Ottawa Senators: Mark Streit, D, New York Islanders
The Sens have some solid forwards, a capable ‘tender in Brian Elliott and some solid shut down defensemen. However, scoring from the back end has been a problem for Ottawa since Wade Redden and Zdeno Chara left town, and so the Swiss sniper Streit is a good fit here for the Senators. Streit can score (49 points last season) as well as set up the Senators’ power play.
11. Colorado Avalanche: Scott Neidermayer, D, Anaheim
The youngest team in the NHL, the Avalanche have set up an impressive collection of youth talent and are ready to make a move sooner rather than later. Keeping this in mind, a veteran playmaker like Neidermayer can help Adam Foote provide valuable leadership to the young core, as well as provide some effective play at the back end for a couple more years. It’s a risky choice, but it’s one that says the Avalanche are committed to their strong young forwards, as well as ready to make a move now.
12. Hamilton Sabres (from Buffalo): Maxim Afinogenov, RW, Atlanta
The Sabres are a team that relies on balanced scoring and goaltending. Afiinogenov could flank a line with Thomas Vanek, as well as provide the team with the dynamic playmaker they haven’t had since, well, he last played for Buffalo. Familiarity with the lineup also serves an important purpose here, as Afinogenov played for Buffalo his whole career until this past year.
13. London Predators (From Nashville): Jussi Jokinen, LW, Carolina
A gritty team, the need for the Preds is simple: more scoring. Jussi Jokinen, fresh off a 30 goal season, is just the man to help provide that for them.
14. Los Angeles Kings: Bobby Ryan, LW, Anaheim
The Kings’ first line is a left-winger away from being one of the most dynamic young groups in the NHL. A scoring line of Ryan, Anze Kopitar and Dustin Brown would strike fear into opposing GM’s hearts for years to come.
15. Pittsburgh Penguins: Aaron Ward, D, Anaheim
Already annual cup contenders, the Penguins are set for scorers and stars, and would likely use this draft to add a couple more complementary pieces to help put them over the top. Ward is one of the best stay at home defensemen in the league, and the addition of another crafty veteran is the kind of move that the team has used the past couple years to put them over the top.
16. Detroit Red Wings: Evander Kane, C, Atlanta
The pick of Kane begins the youth movement for Detroit, who desperately need some young players to begin to replace the old guns in their lineup. Kane, only 18 years old(!), is the kind of tough scorer that could become a franchise cornerstone eventually, and, surrounded by veterans in Detroit, will have a couple of years to get his NHL legs under him before he is too heavily relied on.
17. New Jersey Devils: Cam Ward, G, Carolina
The Devils need to rebuild their blue line, however, there are not many strong, gritty defensemen in the draft that New Jersey loves. Instead, they choose Martin Brodeur’s replacement, with the young potential star Ward (already a Conn Smythe winner) ready to step in after Brodeur’s retirement in the next couple years.
18. Vancouver Canucks: Bryan McCabe, D, Florida
Defensive depth is the name of the game for the Canucks, and a first-line D man with scoring punch like McCabe is exactly what the doctor ordered. The Canucks feel like they have the team to contend for a cup now, and a veteran like McCabe may help put them over the top.
19. Winnipeg Jets (from Phoenix): Nik Antropov, C, Atlanta
There aren’t many goal scorers left, and the Jets could use a lamp-lighting centre like Antropov to help boost their veteran lineup past the first round of the playoffs. Another option would be to look for youth, as the team is one of the oldest in the NHL.
20. Chicago Blackhawks: Tomas Vokoun, G, Panthers
Antii Niemi may be the goalie of the future for the ‘Hawks. However, a proven star like Vokoun may be all Chicago needs to win now. Let Niemi learn from the veteran for the next couple years while Vokoun finally gets his chance to backstop a star studded team to what may be multiple short-term Cups.
21. Quebec City Sharks (from San Jose): Jamie Mcbain, D, Carolina
The promising young Mcbain logged over 25 minutes of ice time a game for the Hurricanes, and with a team set at all positions, the Sharks can take a chance on a potential future star on D.
22. Washington Capitals: Teemu Selanne, RW, Anaheim
Washington is one piece away from going over the top, and the veteran leadership and clutch scoring of Selanne will be invaluable come playoff time.
In Washington, could Teemu cap his career with one more Cup?
So, there you have it! Thus ends my opus on the potential of Simmons’ new NHL. Agree with my picks? Disagree? Feel free to comment below. Until next time!
A couple years back, ESPN’s “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons offered a plan to fix the NHL: disband 8 teams, and then move 5 more to Canada, in order to create 11-team “Canadian” and “American” conferences.
ESPN's Bill Simmons: The Commissioner of the Parallel Universe NHL.
Not only would this get rid of some of the teams in bad markets in the US who are constantly in debt, and add more Canadian teams, therefore helping the financial stability of the league as a whole, it would also increase the quality of play, as the best players from the 8 dropped teams would be redistributed among the others, making the product more exciting. With the recent increase in hockey popularity in the US following the Olympics, now is a perfect time for the NHL to capitalize by streamlining and improving their product.
Over the next couple days, I’ll explain how Simmons’ idea for a new NHL would (hypothetically) work, today by selecting the teams which will remain, the teams which will be relocated, and the teams which will be disbanded, and tomorrow by offering my take on how the first round of a “reduction” draft would go when the players from the 8 disbanded teams are made available to those that remain. Again, this is purely hypothetical, and feel free to disagree if you like (I know people are very passionate about their hockey in Canada and it’s difficult to get anyone to agree on anything) but it is an interesting look into an “alternate-reality” of the NHL today.
So, without further adieu, let’s go over some guidelines for our pseudo-NHL. First, the structural: we are looking to pare the league down to 22 teams, and then move 5 of those teams to Canada from the United States, leaving the NHL with 11 Canadian and 11 American teams. Each country would form its own conference. Playoff system would be reduced to 6 teams per conference, with the top 2 seeds getting a bye to the second round (think NFL playoff system).
In order to do this, we need to select a whopping 13 teams from the US to be either relocated or disbanded. My choices are below, with some explanations. Again, feel free to disagree, but these are (in my opinion) the most logical selections, based on a variety of criteria explained below.
Yes, The Jets are back in this hypothetical NHL.
Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa, Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver. All obviously still in the league. All of these teams have strong revenues and fan bases, plus, they reside in the 6 biggest markets in Canada. A Canadian conference would be impossible without them. For the other 5 Canadian teams, we’ll go with Winnipeg, Quebec City, Hamilton, Halifax, and London. Winnipeg and Quebec city have proven they can host an NHL team, Hamilton has been rumored to be receiving one in the last few years, and London is the next-biggest Canadian market according to Wikipedia. Only Halifax is a bit of a surprise, and it goes without saying that a maritime team would go over fantastically with the right personnel. Looking at the cities, it is obvious that 11 markets for Canadian teams is a bit of a stretch (could the GTA really sustain Hamilton, Toronto, and Thunder Bay?) but for the purposes of this scenario, let’s use these five.
Now, on to the interesting stuff: paring down the 24 US teams currently in the league to just 11. Each team is listed below, along with their hypothetical fate and an explanation:
Detroit Red Wings: Rabid fan base, hockey history, one of the best arenas and traditions in the league, border town (leading to potential cross-conference rivalries with newly created Ontario teams). One of the biggest no brainers on the list. Stay.
New York Rangers: Huge population to build fan base, lots of history, financially stable and close to the border as well. The NHL needs to stay in New York, even if it’s only big enough for one team. Sorry, Islanders fans. Stay.
Boston Bruins, Chicago Blackhawks: Both teams with exciting young rosters and a ton of talent. Solid in the fan base and history department. Also, any original 6 team has to be in the league. Stay and stay.
Pittsburgh Penguins, Washington Capitals: Both teams have struggled financially recently, but as exciting as the thought of Sidney Crosby playing in Halifax is, the venues for the league’s two brightest young stars are important to the NHL, and a small-market Canadian city is just not a proper market for the most marketable players in the league. Stay and stay.
Philadelphia Flyers: One of the most storied franchises in the NHL. Established rivalries with Boston and Pittsburgh, and also one of the most profitable teams in the league according to Forbes Magazine. Stay.
Now, here’s where it gets tricky. We’ve already identified seven teams that, for one reason or another, need to stay in the NHL. For the other four, we’ll rely on hockey history, fan base, potential and current rivalries, and recent success as barometers for inclusion in the new NHL.
Los Angeles Kings: The NHL’s second biggest market needs a team. The Kings have an exciting young roster, and, more importantly, millions of potential fans to fill seats in the arena. Stay.
Dallas Stars: As surprising as it is, the Stars have the third highest revenue out of all American teams. They like their hockey in Texas, and the (semi) recent cup win by the Stars helps solidify them in this group. As well, any semi-successful southern team is key for the NHL to remain relevant in the United States after it is pared down. Stay.
New Jersey Devils: Recent cup history, financial stability, a local rivalry with the Rangers and the best goalie of all-time keep the Devils around. Stay.
Colorado Avalanche: Just sneaking in off the bubble, the Avalanche are an exciting young team that has found cup success in the last 15 years. Loyal fans in a cold-weather town help seal the deal. Stay.
So, now we have our new NHL landscape, the Canadian Conference consisting of Toronto, Montreal, Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver, Ottawa, Winnipeg, Hamilton, London, Quebec City, and Halifax, and the American Conference consisting of the New York Rangers, Boston, Chicago, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Dallas, New Jersey, and Colorado. The toughest omissions from the American conference: San Jose (based on recent on-ice success, however, California is not a hockey state and the team has had waning attendance even with strong performances), Anaheim (recent Cup winner, though the fact they had difficulty selling out the building during the Cup finals actually worked against them), Tampa Bay (ditto, again, just a poor hockey market) and Minnesota and Buffalo (great hockey markets, great fans, just not enough history to get them in ahead of Colorado or New Jersey. Last two teams out.).
So, that leaves us with 13 American teams which no longer have a city. Five will be relocated to the new Canadian locations while the other eight will be disbanded. Let’s look at the candidates:
- Phoenix
- Florida
- Columbus
- Nashville
- Anaheim
- Minnesota
- San Jose
- Tampa Bay
- St. Louis
- Carolina
- New York Islanders
- Buffalo Sabres
When choosing the five teams to keep around (albeit in a new city), the principal thing I looked at was rosters (star players, good chemistry, young teams). Therefore, the most successful teams will be relocated as-is (no reason not to reward GMs and players who do their jobs well with pink slips). Here, then are my choices for relocation:
Phoenix Coyotes: In perhaps the toughest GM job of the decade, the Coyotes’ management team incredibly brought Phoenix a 50-win season and home ice advantage in the playoffs while under a league-imposed budget after declaring bankruptcy. There has already been talk of this in the media, so why don’t we bring the Jets back home. Relocate to Winnipeg.
San Jose Sharks: The second-best record in the league this year, filled with stars and Olympians, and potentially bringing a Cup with them after this year’s playoffs. Let’s bring these guys to the biggest potential market remaining. Relocate to Quebec City.
Buffalo Sabres: The highest-ranked team left (in terms of regular season record). Featuring a superstar goalie in Ryan Miller, let’s move the Sabres just down the road north of the border (really, most of the season ticket holders in Buffalo are Canadian anyway, so it’s a perfect fit). Relocate to Hamilton.
Nashville Predators: The Preds are the last remaining playoff team this year, and their consistently strong record over the last few years seals the deal. Nashville just isn’t a hockey market, however, this gritty team will be the last piece in the four-team Ontario rivalry. Relocate to London.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Alright, so they haven’t had the best record the last couple years. However, Tampa Bay is still filled with Canadian stars, including a potential MVP-caliber goal scorer in Steven Stamkos, and this exciting team would create an absolutely electric atmosphere with the juiced up maritime fans. Relocate to Halifax.
So, there you have it. The new NHL, featuring 11 Canadian and 11 American teams. Let’s take another quick look at the conferences and how they stack up (teams are ranked according to regular season record this past year):
Canadian Conference
- Quebec City Sharks (From San Jose) (besides the Jets, I’ve kept the nicknames the same to limit confusion. Obviously, they would probably change were this to actually happen)
- Winnipeg Jets (From Phoenix)
- Vancouver Canucks
- Hamilton Sabres (From Buffalo)
- London Predators (From Nashville)
- Ottawa Senators
- Calgary Flames
- Montreal Canadiens
- Halifax Lightning (From Tampa Bay)
- Toronto Maple Leafs
- Edmonton Oilers
American Conference
- Washington Capitals
- Chicago Blackhawks
- New Jersey Devils
- Detroit Red Wings
- Pittsburgh Penguins
- Los Angeles Kings
- Colorado Avalanche
- Boston Bruins
- Philadelphia Flyers
- Dallas Stars
- New York Rangers
So that leaves the Florida Panthers, Columbus Blue Jackets, Atlanta Thrashers, Minnesota Wild, New York Islanders, Anaheim Ducks, Carolina Hurricanes, and St. Louis Blues on the outside looking in. Tomorrow, I’ll look at how a potential reduction draft of these teams’ players into the new league would unfold, finishing the new-look NHL. Again, debate is encouraged, but remember that this is all hypothetical. Till then!
10 Things I Love About Yellowknife
When I’m at school down south (and frankly, when I’m home as well), a lot of people ask me what exactly it is I find so appealing about Yellowknife. Isolated, cold, and small, its not exactly everyone’s definition of an ideal town. I always have a tough time answering them, mainly because its something that’s difficult to put into words that keeps me loyal to YK – a whole bunch of stuff mishmashed together to create an awesome final product, and although I’m sure I’m missing some, I thought I would try and put some of them down on paper. That way, when people ask me why I love this city, I can just direct them here! So, without further adieu, here are 10 things I love about Yellowknife (In no particular order):
10: Range Street
To people who have never seen it, its hard to explain the inherent goofiness of range street, AKA, 50th street on the CIBC side of Franklin Ave. A certain “je ne sais quois” (maybe it’s just the reputation) makes it seem sketchy even in the daytime, even though its almost definitely not, and I’m sure countless variations of the joke “stay together, don’t stop moving” have been uttered over the years as people make their way to the mall or Subway, or the Gold Range Bistro.
At night, though, the reputation for the street manifests itself in absolutely insane (and hilarious) ways. With The Raven on one side and The Gold Range on the other, tons of drunk Yellowknifers make their way down to enjoy some overpriced drinks and a either slice of northern nostalgia (The Range) or a desperate attempt to cling to the southern clubs they hold so dear (I love you, Raven, but a dance club you are not). At bar close, patrons from both establishments spill onto the streets, and in a mesh of drunkenness, not only does the Corner Mart in between the two bars become a hub of inebriated sketchiness, but there are bound to be some fights, provoked or unprovoked, guys or girls (or sometimes guys and girls). Parking across the road just before closing time and watching the madness is a great (and cheap) way to get some fantastic entertainment you won’t see anywhere else. Just a totally unique street from top to bottom, and even though YK’s “signature street” doesn’t define the community in any way, it’s certainly one-of-a-kind.
9: The Local Cuisine
And no, I’m not talking about the Wildcat Cafe or L’Heritage (although they’re both great). I’m talking about the Vietnamese Noodle House, where everyone in town knows their favourite dish by number (I’m the 76) and the food flies out of the kitchen at inhuman speeds. Where the drinks come with an absolutely massive chunk of ice in the glass but the water still manages to be lukewarm (and sometimes you find a little speck of “something red” on the glass, but you drink it anyway). Where they sell beers, but nobody orders them. Where the occasional squealing sounds from the back may or may not be cats being chopped up for the dinner rush. Where you can always trick a newbie by telling him the house hot sauce is ketchup. And, on top of it, where the food is absolutely fantastic, and always quite filling (and reasonably priced).
Other highlights of YK fast-ish food that deserve mention: Brunos (best pizza in town, although it’s too bad they’re not open late anymore), Papa Jims (hidden in the third floor of the Chateau Nova hotel but does some great pizza and other stuff as well), Mainstreet donair (just good lunch food all round). Also the Gold Range Bistro deserves mention for its massive egg rolls, appropriately named “You Ever Seen Egg Roll This Big Before” (or something like that). As does Winks, as I’ve probably put the owner’s kids through college buy buying absolutely inordinate amount of chicken wings at 3 in the morning.
8: Godson
Yes, Godson. It never ceases to make me smile that perhaps our most well known local artist is a Filipino-latino (he would tell you to call him a Filatino) rapper. I’ve had more great times going to Godson shows than I can possibly remember. Plus, he educated our youths on the perils of drinking and driving.
And this is how we drop to this, we stroll we roll we bounce to this...
By extension, I would be remiss to skip over the fantastic weekend that is Folk on the Rocks. Every year, the festival brings together great musicians, great food, and a ton of drunk people dancing ridiculously to create a flurry of absolute fantasticness that never seems to go long enough, even though you’re absolutely spent when it’s all over. Just great times right there.
7: The Long Summer Days
Slopitch, bridge jumping, camping, you name it, YK has it. Plus the fact that the sun doesn’t go down for a month and a half make it easier to cram more stuff into every single day. Personal favourites include the quarry outside of town (absolutely picturesque, I felt so dumb having lived here for 20 years and not noticing it), and the fact that it is perfectly legitimate to pack up everything into a boat, go out to an island, and camp on said island without any permits or anything. Although it always sucks when someone inevitably wimps out and you have to paddle them back to shore in a canoe at 3AM, drunk. At least it’s still light out, though.
6: Sports
Say what you will about Team NWT’s usually underwhelming results in national competitions, but the sports scene in the North is absolutely wonderful for many reasons. Where else can you get the opportunity to attend national level events in multiple sports? Add that to the inevitable hilarious stories that stem from each Arctic Winter Games every couple years (mainly because about half of the high school population attends for one sport or another) and you have a scene that everyone can be a part of, which is not the case in many other places.
Plus, it’s not like we can’t compete with the big boys. Mike Argue, Thomson D’Hont and Michael and Jill Gilday are all national caliber athletes, and have proven it on multiple occasions. My little brother Devin just finished third at nationals for squash. Hell, Brendan Green (who, granted, is from Hay River, but still) just made the Olympic team! As well, top notch coaching abounds in YK, even though many people don’t realize it. From my own experience with sports, Darren Campbell, Cory Taylor, and Todd Shafer are all absolutely top notch at what they do. Allan Cook may be the best squash coach in Canada. And Damien Healy has shoulder hair like nobody’s business.
I'll say it first: This man is the best squash coach in the country.
The local sports scene is great too. The amount of YKBA trash talking, ref bashing and general angriness makes every game an event, and the fastball league, while small, is full of a bunch of devoted guys (though admittedly it gets far too heated for a local league sometimes as well). The Year End Squash Tournament is one of the best events in the nation, and is slowly being recognized as such, and the SloPitch league’s message boards and general pissed-offedness makes it twice as fun (who cares if you use an illegal glove? It’s freaking slopitch!). Plus you can drink beer at the games!
5: Ice Road Drifting
Just a specific thing that I think is totally awesome/unique. Where else could you drift on an ice road? Honourable mention: tying a sled to the back of a car and pulling them across the ice road. So northern, so dangerous, so YK.
4: The People
You don’t really realize how cool the community of Yellowknife is until you’ve lived somewhere else for an extended period of time. The friendliness and sense of community is just something that’s hard to replicate. Maybe it’s because we’re a frontier town, and everyone has a sense of respect for everyone else who lives here. If you had the balls to move to YK, you must be at least a bit of a badass.
Also the continuity here contributes to the small town feeling. Everyone has at least 5 friends whose family has a street named after them, and at least one friend whose mom or dad went to high school with one of their friends mom or dad. Hell, my girlfriend’s aunt dated my uncle when they were teenagers. Every city has some of those “legendary families,” but in YK you almost feel outnumbered by them, which is pretty cool.
And another thing! Everyone who lives here is tough as nails. It’s not easy to walk to school/work/home drunk at 2AM in jeans on a day where it’s minus 40 outside, but we do it without complaining. If someone from Vancouver tried to do that, they’d die. It’s just that simple. We’re genetically more awesome than people from down south.
3: A Whole Bunch of Specific People
I know this is self-indulgent, but still: Joe, Tyler, Shep, Eman, Jessie, Trav, Mark, Matt, Will, Bob, Shawn, Cordel, AC, Elora, Hailey, Meika, Chris, Ian, Jon T, Jon S, Harji, Eric, AJ, Andy, Craig, Hannah, Naya, Shea, Sam, Kyle, Mike, and especially Chloe, Chad, Dev, and the ‘rents – you make this place a million times more awesome than it already is. And I’ve forgotten an absolute ton of people there, I could go on for pages and pages probably (maybe that’s a blog for another time!) Thanks to all of you guys/everyone I’ve forgotten/ran out of space not to put down. My house may be here, but you guys make it home (awww).
2: Random Crap
There’s way more to run down, but I’m down to the final two spots on the list. So here are a bunch of other things that make Yellowknife so fantastically ridiculous:
- The fact that our sledding hill has a halfpipe (and that people actually take it on sleds).
- The abundance of F150s over any other vehicle (I counted 12 while driving down my block once).
- The fact that we have the busiest and most profitable Tim Hortons in Canada, and that we’re proud of that, like our city has this great accomplishment (we love cheap coffee and donuts more than anywhere else!).
- The way half the people in town love it here (like me) and the other half just can’t wait to leave.
- SFA. So nice at the end of the year when all your buds down south are scrounging together enough cash for a 6 pack of PBR and you can buy a celebratory bottle of Dom Perignon and a nice steak.
- The way you can use “I’m from Yellowknife” as a conversation starter down south (you know you’ve done it).
- The fact that the Boston Pizza here puts Thundermugs (2 pint beer glasses) on special during the summer, and that people get legitimately excited about it. One thing you can say about being from here: we all can put the stuff away (I’ve been to weekday lunches where Thundermugs have been ordered).
- How everyone in town, even the people who don’t have them, know how to drive a skidoo. And if you don’t, you’re a wuss.
- That there have been 3 obvious bush party locations (pits, jackfish, tin can) that have been the same for years, and the cops most certainly know about all three, but you can still get away with the occasional party at any of them in a pinch.
- Snow volleyball and the all-sand golf course (enough said).
1: ???
And finally, we come back to that feeling I mentioned at the beginning. That feeling you can’t explain. The one you feel when you fly in and see Con Mine on the horizon after being away for an extended period of time, when you pick out your house as the plane lands, when you walk to the terminal through the freezing cold for the first time. Like you’ve never left.
Life in the Knife, baby. Nothing like it.
Home, sweet home.
(PS: What about you? What’s your favourite part of being here? Do you hate it? Why? Let me know in the “comments” section)
UFC 113 Preview (Main Card)
Alright, as promised, here is the breakdown of the five main card fights for Saturday’s UFC 113 in Montreal. Featured on the card are a Youtube legend, a welterweight number one contender’s fight between two of the game’s premier trash talkers, and one of the most anticipated rematches of all time. Here we go:
Patrick Cote (13-5) vs Alan Belcher (15-6)
The first fight of the main card pits hometown boy Patrick “The Predator” Cote against Mississippi’s Alan “The Talent” Belcher. Cote is making his return to the cage after a nearly two-year layoff, and this bout will be his first since he unsuccessfully challenged Anderson Silva for the Middleweight title. Cote is 4-5 in the UFC, but had won 4 consecutive fights before his loss to Silva, while Belcher is 6-4 in the premier promotion.
The Superman Punch off the cage didn't save Belcher against Yoshihiro Akiyama, and it won't save him against Cote.
Both Cote and Belcher are known primarily as stand-up fighters, and that’s likely where the majority of the fight will take place. In this respect, Cote should have the advantage, as his power punching has landed him knockout victories over Drew McFedries and Ultimate Fighter winner Kendall Grove, and Belcher has shown just enough boxing ability and confidence to get him in trouble with a dangerous opponent such as Cote. Belcher’s unorthodox striking, like his famous Superman punch off the cage against Yoshihiro Akiyama, will not work against Cote, as he is a master at controlling the distance of the fight, either with his jab or a surprisingly effective clinch.
On the ground, though, Belcher, a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu brown belt, is likely to have an advantage, and would be advised to attempt to take the fight there, as his recent submission win over BJJ black belt Denis Kang would indicate. Cote, though, has proven extremely difficult to take down, as evidenced by the clinic he put on against BJJ world champion Ricardo Almeida in his number one contender’s fight, and has proven surprisingly resilient when he is forced to the mat, even owning a submission victory over top Canadian grappler Jason Macdonald.
Based on Cote’s success stuffing takedown after takedown against Almeida, it is unlikely that Belcher will be able to get him to the ground, and will be forced to solve the puzzle that is “The Predator” on the feet. Here, Cote should have an easy time with Belcher, completing a successful comeback. The only potential wild-card in this fight is Cote’s layoff, as he has not fought since injuring his knee against Anderson Silva nearly two years prior and even a lost half-step in quickness could spell the end against a tough, well rounded opponent such as Belcher. However, word out of Cote’s training camp is that he is looking better than ever, and the French-Canadian insists he is poised to make another run to the top of the division. That run should start in his hometown, as Cote batters an ever-advancing Belcher en route to a late stoppage.
COTE – TKO – R3
Kimbo Slice (4-1) vs Matt Mitrione (1-0)
Potentially the lowest calibre UFC main card fight since, well, since these two last fought on the main card will be perpetrated between Slice, a Youtube megastar who has used his fame to appear in some of the most watched MMA bouts of all time, and Mitrione, a former NFL player turned TUF veteran in only his second professional fight. Slice’s notoriety aside, both men are veterans of the Ultimate Fighter reality show, and this bout should be as entertaining a scrap as any on the card, if for no other reason than to make up for the lack of technical ability. Make no mistake, both of these men are as green as prospects can be, and this fight seems like little more than Dana White and the UFC’s attempt to pander to the newly minted “TapOut” fans who love to see blood and boo during clinches on the cage, as well as a promotional vehicle for Slice, one of the few athletes in MMA who’s fame transcends the sport.
That being said, it is difficult to imagine any possible way in which the UFC would set up Slice to lose this early in his promotional run. How big of a Pay Per View draw the Youtube legend turns out to be remains to be seen, but Slice is only marketable when he’s winning, and to that extent the UFC has provided him a mirror-image opponent in Mitrione; that is, a power puncher will a remedial knowledge of the ground game. The brass upstairs will certainly be pulling for Slice to win this fight, the question is, does Mitrione have a little Seth Petruzelli in him? The title of “Kimbo Slayer” is something that can certainly help his promotional push, and Mitrione will be looking to decapitate the street fighter turned mixed-martial artist at every turn.
Whether he can do it or not is another story. Mitrione has been training his hands for this fight with boxing guru Duke Roufus, and will certainly be throwing power punches whenever he gets a chance, as he did in his professional debut against fellow TUF alum Marcus Jones. Slice, meanwhile, has been working his overall game at American Top Team, and, although a slugger at heart, showed a vastly improved overall game against Houston Alexander in his first bout in the UFC. Although both fighters will swing for the knockout early, it is likely that Slice will turn to the takedown when Mitrione tags him once or twice on the chin, as Mitrione appears to be able to take punches with the best of them and Kimbo’s chin has proven to be suspect in his loss to Petruzelli. On the ground, though, Mitrione has looked hopelessly lost against BJJ blue belt Jones and one-dimensional kickboxer James McSweeney, whom he was easily submitted by during his time on the Ultimate Fighter. Slice has been working the ground game diligently with ATT, and appears to be legitimately dedicated to becoming a well-rounded mixed-martial artist. That will show in this fight, as he should be able to dominate Mitrione on the ground if the stand up does not go his way, and leading to me writing three words I never thought I would hear. Laugh all you want, but my prediction: Kimbo by submission.
The man wants his bread.
SLICE – SUB – R1
Sam Stout (15-5-1) vs Jeremy Stephens (16-5)
The lightweights next take center stage, as Canadian Sam Stout takes on fireball Jeremy “Little Heathen” Stephens. Stout, 4-4 in the UFC, is entering the fight on a two bout winning streak, winning “Fight of the Night” honours both times, while Stephens, 4-4 as well, recently ended a two fight win streak with a victory over Justin Bucholz. Expect another “Fight of the Night” calibre affair here, as both Stout and Stephens love to stand in the pocket and trade.
The difference in striking styles between the two is marked, however. Stephens employs a wild, “swing for the fences” style that has both proven effective and been exploited in the past, while Stout is a much more traditional Muay Thai practitioner. In this bout, which is unlikely to go to the ground, Stout’s discipline figures to be key, as Stephens has had much of his success in the past by goading his opponents to engage in wild punching exchanges. If Stout, a Shawn Tompkins protégé, can maintain his cool, though, he has a marked advantage in the striking department and should be able to pick Stephens apart over the course of three rounds.
Stout should be able to take out Stephens en route to a 3 fight winning streak.
This fight appears to be fairly cut and dry, as both fighters come from the Spencer Fisher mould of entertaining lightweights who have just enough holes in their game to never be serious contenders. Luckily for us, though, both fighters have the same shortcomings, and so we should see a 15 minute stand-up war likely resembling a lower-level Wanderlei Silva/Rich Franklin bout, with one fighter winging power shots and the other being more active and accurate. Unfortunately for Stephens, though, accuracy and activity will win out again this time, as Stout closes out the Canadian content on the card with a unanimous decision victory, and, potentially, a third straight Fight of the Night bonus cheque.
STOUT – UNANIMOUS DECISION
Josh Koscheck (14-4) vs Paul Daley (23-8-2)
The co-headliner brings to a head some of the most vicious trash talking seen in the history of the UFC, as Josh Koscheck and Paul Daley finally attempt to shut one another’s mouths. This fight also has title implications, as the winner will likely receive a coaching position on the next season of The Ultimate Fighter alongside welterweight champ Georges St. Pierre, and with it a title shot. Koscheck, who has racked up 12 wins in the UFC without a title opportunity, should be especially fired up for this one, as yet another upstart Brit in Daley (2-0 since joining the promotion) threatens to leapfrog him to the front of the line.
Luckily for Koscheck, he has a decided advantage in this fight. A former NCAA Division 1 national champion wrestler, Koscheck possesses some of the best takedowns in MMA, and is one of a very short list of people who has managed to give St. Pierre problems in the wrestling department. If need be, Koscheck should be able to secure a takedown fairly easily against Daley and secure a choke in short order, as Daley has looked lost on the ground against grapplers Jake Shields and Nick Thompson in the past. However, what makes this fight intriguing is the bravado of “Kos,” as he has routinely threatened to box with Daley and knock him out on the feet, rather than take the path of least resistance.
This would be ill-advised. Daley possesses some of, if not the best hands in the welterweight division, and throws each punch with enough power to end the fight instantly. Likely, he will get a short time to attempt to land one of his bombs against Koscheck, who will likely test Daley’s standing acumen before shooting for a takedown. This short window may be all Daley needs, but Koscheck has evolved into a formidable puncher himself, and only needs to survive long enough to secure a takedown, which he inevitably will, as Daley should offer little resistance to Koscheck’s monster double-leg.
The double-leg shot will lead to a title shot for Koscheck.
Through all of his pandering and posturing, Koscheck is not stupid, and with his long-awaited title shot on the line, he will approach this fight with a smart game plan. Boxing with Daley may earn the vilified Ultimate Fighter alum fans, but it will not earn him a belt, and Koscheck should be able to repeat his performance against Anthony Johnson his last time out – winning by a rear-naked choke, this time in the first round.
KOSCHECK – SUB – R1
Lyoto Machida (16-0) vs Mauricio Rua (18-4)
UFC LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
The main event of the evening is one of the most anticipated MMA rematches of all time, as Pride superstar Mauricio “Shogun” Rua attempts to avenge his controversial unanimous decision loss to UFC Light Heavyweight Champ Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida. In their first fight in October, Rua utilized a brutal leg attack to staunch the elusiveness of Machida, becoming the first person to ever win a round from “The Dragon” in his MMA career, and although the final result of that fight, which had Machida winning 48-47 on all three judges’ scorecards, can be debated for hours, let’s instead turn to the rematch, which is a fight diehard MMA fans have been clamouring for for months.
Here we go again...
To this point in his career, Lyoto Machida has escaped nearly all of his bouts completely unscathed, as the karateka uses unorthodox stances and movements to stay very elusive in the cage. Machida combines this puzzling movement with vicious counter punching and a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, meaning that any opponent who does manage to close the distance on his is often being waken by the ring doctors in short order. In the first matchup, Rua managed to slow down Machida with a cerebral offense that relied extensively on looping leg and body kicks, as the wide radius of the strike gave him more area with which to catch Machida than with a straight punch. This offense wore Machida down as the fight dragged into the championship rounds, and by the fourth and fifth rounds, Machida’s elusiveness had largely disappeared, allowing Rua to attack the face of the champion with strong punches, giving Machida multiple cuts and “Shogun” the final two rounds of the fight.
Machida, though, has proven to be a master in gameplanning to this point in his career, and will have developed a new strategy to counter the leg-and-body offense of “Shogun.” What will decide the fight, then, is Rua’s ability to counterplan “The Dragon” with a new strategy of his own, an extremely difficult proposition akin to finding a needle in a haystack for the second straight time. One aspect which was absent in the first fight that we may see this time is the ground, as neither fighter appears to have a clear advantage there, and Shogun’s fallback strategy is likely to get the fight there as quickly as possible, where he can utilize his underrated guard and attempt to submit the champion. “The Dragon” has proved near impossible to take down in the past, though, and it will take some nifty clinch work by Rua to get the fight to the mat, if indeed that is where he wants it.
No fight in recent history is perhaps more difficult to predict than this one, as the near-perfect stalemate in their first encounter combined with the development of what will most likely be two completely new strategies means that it is anybody’s guess as to what the fight will look like, or who will have the advantage. One thing that is for certain is that it will be an absolute technical treat for the fans to watch, as well as put a definitive end to the speculation about the two combatants that has raged on internet message boards for months. The winner of this fight will be the undisputed king of the light heavyweight division, as the two appear to be light-years ahead of their potential challengers, and will also be able to stake a claim as one of the top 3 light heavyweights of all time (along with Chuck Liddell and Wanderlei Silva). Most likely, the fight will boil down to whether Shogun can maintain his composure as well as he did in the first fight, and not come out reckless as he has been prone to do in the past. If he can contain his emotions and not get sloppy in an attempt to finish the fight, I see him picking Machida apart with the more powerful strikes of the two en route to a late stoppage victory in a very close fight (and, hopefully, a trilogy somewhere down the line). Any prediction anyone makes for this fight is no more than a crapshoot at best, though, but I’ll take my shot at “Shogun” returning to his dominant days once more with a victory for the ages.
SHOGUN – TKO – R5
So there you have it! I’ll probably revisit these predictions on Sunday or Monday, when I will either be vilified or revered for my terrible/fantastic choices. Till then! Or whenever I choose to write about something else, I guess.
Garrett
